


In Case I forget You

by LostSpaceCadetLeon



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Stucky - Fandom, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky writes entries to Steve, Diary/Journal, M/M, Psychological Torture, Steve reads Buckys Journal entries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 14:26:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18639934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostSpaceCadetLeon/pseuds/LostSpaceCadetLeon
Summary: Bucky lets Steve read his journal that he had hidden away while being imprisoned by Hydra, how he tries to remember and hold on to the memory of Steve both Pre and Post-Serum. Steve gets emotional when he finishes the journal.





	In Case I forget You

Longing…

A word that meant I longed for something or someone, I missed you dearly. From the time I fell down the mountain side I missed you and I hoped you would come for me every day. After the fall all I could feel was the cold numbing my body, my arm gone, the snow covered in red as I had started to bleed out. Blinking I saw small blips of soldiers dragging me, Hydra men and I wanted to get away so bad, but I had no fight in me. I had hoped I would hear you fighting for me, your shield clanging against the enemy as you came for me and rescued me but that did not happen. My longing for you kept me sane as I wished for you to appear but that was soon broken after many trials and brainwashing. You couldn’t imagine the pain I went through as they made my new arm, rigging the connections to my nerves, I felt like I was on fire and in those moments when I wanted to scream and cry out I thought of you. I thought of how strong you would’ve been going through this. My heart would sink from time to time but I held onto that memory of you, hand extended out as you had tried to save me, screaming my name as tears slid down your face. I love you Steve Rogers and I hope to see you again.

Rusted…

Steve the first few prototypes of my arm hurt, before they finally got the mixture right the arm would rust and wear away. It was so painful during the first few tests and I kept sticking to my strengths showing them no weakness. I may be a prisoner but I will not bend to Hydra. You still plague my thoughts and my dreams. Anytime a news clipping of you surfaces I squirrel it away and hold onto the photos of you. How could I not you’re my best guy after all. Damn you really should have taken me up on that offer of shining my shoes and taking out the trash Stevie, we’d both be happy and I would still hold you close at night like I used to when we were teens. I miss you…

Furnace…

Hydra has threatened me, if I am to defect they will go after those I love and then kill me after they make me watch. Maybe I will play along for a little bit so they think I am still their good little pet. However I know the day I see you I will run away with you and we will be happy again Stevie, don’t you worry I promise. Maybe instead of shining my shoes you can shine my metal arm now and keep it going. *Bucky smiled and chuckled as he entered this into his journal.* Fuck Stevie they are coming again, I’ll talk to you later.

Daybreak…

Steve this new life is different and I am scared that they are starting to change my views, it’s been a few years but I am still writing for you, always writing for you and hoping one day you’ll see these if I am too far gone. I really miss you Steve the cold of the cryo-stasis hurts, I have been in and out of it so many times and I really miss the warmth of cuddling up to you. You still haunt my dreams at night and I still wait like a faithful dog I am for our paths to cross once again. I can’t wait to come home to you Stevie, to truly be yours.

Seventeen…

For some reason this number is the first in the sequence I wonder if it pertains to my birth year… How do they know so much about me? Steve I am scared they have started making me go on assassination missions; I want you to know that I am still me no matter what you hear. I still love you very much. I am a little upset though because the recent news article I found said you were dead. That’s not true right? You can’t be dead I just won’t accept it. I can’t go on without my best guy. You still owe me, please be alive out there. Please be safe.

Benign…

Every time I act out or remember something of my past; of us, they fry my brains or put me in cryo-stasis. They are making me try to forget you, forget myself. Steve I really wish you were here. I wish you would just break through this damn wall and save me… Where are you my hero, my Captain; I need you so bad right now but you are not here. I don’t want to lose hope. I still see you reaching out for me hear your cry of my name though each time you are getting further and further away. My Stevie, my sweet blonde man I need you more than ever as I slip further into Hydra’s grasp. Please Save Me… Please…

Nine…

Did you know Hydra is going of the Greek mythology of having nine heads, it’s said if you cut one off two will grow in its place. Zola has become power hungry threatening me left and right for slight deviances in his plans. The world has changed so much Stevie I wish you were here to see it with me. Hydra grows once more Steve, where are you to stop this monster that is blindly taking what they need while hiding in the shadows.  
Update: I just found out you’re still alive but the man I see I feel like I barely know anymore, you still look young with that sharp jawline and that blonde hair of yours. It has been ages and by now you’ve probably learned of my horrible deeds under the name Winter Soldier, I just hope when we meet you will stop and listen to my side of things instead of running in shield first.

Homecoming….

Remember when I came back the first time during the war? It’s a bit fuzzy for me but I remember seeing you there eager and buzzing with energy as you watched me come back, a ruck sack on my back and my military greens pressed and sharp. I loved that little spark of light behind your eyes as you charged through the crowd to hug me. I’ve never seen someone so small move so many people so quickly in my life. Now I know you are much bigger and that you can definitely hold your own when it comes to me, though when I see you I always think of that cute little underweight kid I knew so well and loved so much despite out differences. I hope to hold onto these memories of you, of us, like the kiss you gave me when I came home.

One…

Steve I am the first of my program, I am just a tool for them, a weapon as it were, the first of the Winter Soldier Program. My dreams and memories are starting to slip my darling, my next mission is a man named Nick Fury. Hopefully you have no relation to this man. I don’t want to hurt you. Please Steve be safe. I don’t know who I am anymore…

Freight Car…

I think I saw you, you called me Bucky… Who’s Bucky? Is that who I am? I’m so scared, you acted as if I was an old friend, as if we hadn’t skipped a beat. I found this journal and it says To: My Stevie, is that who you are. What are you to me? It says you were my best guy and that I will be with you until the end of the line. This is so frustrating I can’t focus on my mission all because of a fucking name!!! Who are you to me and why did you let go?! Why did you let this happen?! You made me into this!! You made me this monster!! You made me into the Winter Soldier!! You are my mission…

Steve had tears in his eyes as he read the last entry, Bucky peacefully sleeping with his head on his chest, he had brought the journal out for Steve to read, so Steve could know what had happened during his time with Hydra. “Oh Buck…” He couldn’t help squeeze the slumbering brunette, “Bucky I am so sorry, I should have searched for you sooner. I missed you so much.”

Bucky woke slightly, “Steve what’s- oh…” He looked at the journal lying next to them. “Steve its okay… I am here with you now and we are happy, I have you back now. My love and my Captain,” Bucky pulled Steve into a kiss. “I love you Steve.”


End file.
